Cross View Blog

Americans have invested deeply in the notion that "all we need is lots of unconditional love ." Eric Fromm, in his classic book The Art of Loving, says that the healthiest people he has known are those who very often grow up experiencing a combination of unconditional love along with very conditional and demanding love, one parent who accepts us as we are and another parent who expects more of us and pushes them to do better.

I know that this is not the current version of what is psychologically "correct," because we seem to think we need nothing but unconditional love. (Any law, correction, rule or limitation is another word for conditional love.)  As Fr. Richard Rohr observes, it seems we need a foil, a goad, a wall to butt up against to create a proper ego structure and strong identity. Such a foil is the way we internalize our own deeper values and dethrone our own narcissism. Butting up against limits actually teaches us a lot.

It has been acceptable for some time in America to remain "wound identified" (that is, using one's victimhood as one's identity, one's ticket to sympathy and one's excuse for not serving others, instead of using the wound to "redeem the world," as we see in Jesus and many people who turn their wounds into sacred wounds that liberate both themselves and others.

Those who only whine about strict parents and authority for too long invariably remain or become narcissists themselves. I say this after working with prison inmates for 30 years as a counselor and confessor. Thinking of themselves only as victims or oppressed gets people stuck in their own adolescent misery. They don't grow up as responsible adults.

Mature people invariably thank their harder parent, law-driven church, kick-ass coach, and most demanding professors - but usually years later. It is what we should expect to hear from 50-70-year-olds and what you seldom hear from 20-40-year-olds unless they mature quite quickly. Some, of course, have also been wounded quite lethally, as in situations of rape or abuse or bullying and it takes them a longer time to heal and grow.

Bottom line: we need both law and love for spiritual growth. We need to be taught how to live with both limits and freedom at the same time. Too much of one at the expense of the other leads to problems with our fragile human ego. Law and structure, as fallible as they often are, put up some kind of limit to our infantile grandiosity and prepare us for helpful adult relationships with the outer world.

"All we need is a hug?" Not true. Sometimes we need what we don't like and what we often resist: the real truth about ourselves. Sometimes our behavior is "not okay" and we need to do something to correct it. Sometimes we need a kick in the butt and not a pat on the back. It's all part of "growing up."